How Can Something That Doesnt Exist Feel So Real?
School has just been whatever. Not worrying about how much I hate it too much just trying to focus on my classes.
Something else has been on my mind though, its been haunting me for a while. This feeling is so real but it kills me to not be able to reach out and grasp it.
He has been on mind. I dont know, I dont know who “He” is anymore. I thought I did but I was obviously wrong about that.
Lately ive been having these dreams. God, they feel so real. I dream that he is with me, close to me, taking care of me, protecting me…holding my hand.
Why does it feel so real?
You would think that holding someones hand is just a normal physical feeling, but I just realized that its not.
Its so much more than that. Its a mentally comforting feeling. Its so beautiful. It feels like someone is there to wash away your tears. That person becomes all that you can see in those few minutes.
All the world becomes a mere shadow and it just feels like everything is going to be okay and that no one can touch you.
How can there be so much comfort in that one feeling? Theyre just hands.
It blows my mind that I realized all of this just from a series of dreams ive been having. Incredible.
This is puzzling me to such an extent that I am starting to wonder if the real moment is drawing nearer to me.
Its as if these dreams have given me a glimpse of the soul that is going to complete me in the near future.
Its hard to explain but I can feel his essence, what he will be like or what his soul be like at least. Its confusing.
All I know is that wow, he has a beautiful soul and if I really am lucky enough to attain it someday then Allah has truly answered my prayers in this life.
And now this anxiety is really starting to get to me. I wish reality would come sooner.
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Something else that hit me today was that fact that I am going to be traveling alone soon.
Airports make me disgustingly sick. In an emotional way. All the memories I have of airports are of painful goodbyes and feelings of stark loneliness.
The flights that I have gone through during the last several years of my life have been full of nothing but tears and a torn up heart.
I try to work on it every time I have to travel by myself which thankfully isnt too much anymore but every time that feeling of loneliness takes over.
Here I am traveling between two people I love yet in the middle I am alone as I can possibly be.
Theres nothing I can do about it because there is no way to fix the circumstances that I am in and I accept that.
Maybe there is only one way to heal my despair during this time.
Him. Hes missing from my life right now but he is the key to defeating this feeling of loneliness. He doesnt even know that his presence would make such a significant difference in this dilemma that I face every time I travel alone.
I dont know how many more trips I will have to make without him before he arrives but I all I know is that his presence will show me that I am not alone, no matter where I go, he will be by my side, protecting, caring. loving.
I have a really strong connection to this movie/song/book. When I saw it, I weeped out of the emotion that I so strongly related to. The character brought the person deep down inside of me to life, the person I show to no one. She allowed me to see how I really feel in relation to the world around me including those I love. And she allowed me to see what kind of guy would fit into this complex character of mine and be the one person I/she could give in to. His character was perfect for her, and he was exactly the kind of person she needed to walk into her life at that moment.
Sometimes I get goosebumps just because this song feels so real to me.
One of my close friends has a boyfriend, who I am also friends with. When they started going out, it became more and more painful for me to be with them. Seeing them hold hands, embrace, doing caring things for each other just makes me feel so lonely and depressed and jealous. It literally HURTS me when I see them do these things. On New Year’s Eve, me, her, him, his brother, my sister, and my other friend were together. It made me so sad when the new year came and the fireworks started and I could see them embrace in the corner of my eye. As I have told you and as you know yourself, it sucks to want something so bad and see your best friend get it, exactly as you wanted it, without really even trying. And whats insane is that a close to year before they started going out, she was in a good relationship with someone else. But it didn’t work out because she started losing feeling for him. Its crazy that during the time that I’ve known her, she is on her second long-term relationship while I still have yet to reach square one. MashAllah, she is a luck girl and may Allah always keep her happy. But I understand how sometimes you feel that if “he” just came along, life would be complete. Like right now there is a major puzzle piece that has yet to be found and that void will not be gone until he comes.