Who I Am. (Part 3)

When college decisions came around I was forced by my parents to settle for the university close to home. It was the same school that my mom had graduated from and same school that mostly everyone I knew OUTSIDE of school attended. My friends of course had much bigger dreams, and also desires to get as far away from their parents as possible. I of course considered myself to be one of them and had similar desires to go to certain schools. But something inside kept telling me that this school would be what is best  for me. This is when I sort of started to realize that I had fallen in too deep. I wanted to let go of this world I was currently connected to but the pain of letting go was too much to bear because I loved it so much. I knew the only way to let go would have to be to separate myself from it.

There were a couple of things that I knew about this particular college.  I knew that it had a really good Muslim population with an amazing MSA. I knew that a lot of my  Muslim friends outside of  school went there and they loved it. And I knew that driving to school everyday, going to a 500 people auditorium, and coming straight home wouldnt leave time for much temptation. Also, the fact that I would still be living with my parents convinced me that I wouldn’t be able to fall into the wrong things. If I had become so materialistic living with my parents throughout high school, I could only imagine what college life would tempt me to do without the fear of getting caught by my parents. I knew for fact that if I went away for college, then I would only be destroying the little  Taqwa left in me.

I knew what I had to do.

I tried to avoid the topic of college as much as I possibly could amongst my friends. For days before graduation I grieved over being separated from my friends. I knew that nothing would ever be the same after we all went to different colleges.  And even for days after graduation along with my transition into college my heart longed for the life I  had only a few months ago. It was so hard to believe that the world I had once considered my whole life had become ashes. Sometimes as I would sit through my college classes I could picture some of our memorable moments together. But the pain that came with accepting that I had left all that behind was at one point unbearable.

Like I said before college came along with a lot of challenges. Challenges that I couldn’t even imagine in high school. These challenges made my high school problems seem so small. I mean seriously what was the freaking big deal about prom anyways? Why was it so hard for me to accept the fact that everyone except me was going? And that whole not graduating top freaking five percent of my class dilemma. Who the HELL cares? Why did I beat myself up over that?

None of that matters now.  High school doesn’t matter now.

But the  obstacles that I had to go through my first semester of college literally made me weak.  College just came with so many problems that I started to question why  I was wasting  my time and my parents’ money in the first place.

After a lot of thought, I just want to remember that Allah SWT put humility in my heart again after those trying times. After going from having every thing I ever wanted to having nothing at all but my health and family, I finally realized after the longest time that I was nothing more than Allahs helpless slave.

As I sat there after a week of hell, school work study school work study school work study, (the fact that I was struggling miserably in some of my classes and that I hated my job didn’t make it any better) I remembered a nasheed I always used to listen to when I was feeling down in high school. I remembered one of the lyrics of the nasheed being “Allah only tests those that he loves.” When I sat there and listened to that nasheed again on that day it was as if I was listening to it for the first time. At the point I just rolled over on the floor and sobbed.

Tears that I could not control.

I couldn’t seem to understand how I had been so selfish all those years. How arrogant, how materialistic, how IGNORANT I had been.  I had been blinded for so long and it took me so long to see again. It took me so long to see that all the happiness I needed was there all along but I never in those four crazy years attempted to reach out and take it.

After that day I would often listen to Quranic recitation and just sit and cry out of humility to my creator. Sometimes I would just cry at the beauty of Allah Aza wa jal. How he tests a person but never leaves them when they come running back to him for forgiveness.

I started going back to an Islamic forum that I had joined but ignored for so many years. I came across a lot of stuff that helped me get through my sadness. Hadiths, ayats from the Quran, discussions on various topics like prayer for instance. I also found a links to some amazing Islamic lectures. One of them was the story of a former Christians journey from Christianity to Islam. The part that really got to me was when he said that during his search for the truth he would still prostrate and bow his head to god, even though he had no specific religion.  SubhanAllah I can just imagine the feeling of happiness he must have felt when bowing down his head in his first Salah for the right purpose.

After I listened to his story I couldnt believe how much I had taken Salah for granted. The next time I prayed I prayed with everything I had. I concentrated on the meaning of my words and that truly brought beauty to my prayers. And when it was time to make sujood, I just imagined myself bowing my head down to Allah and Alhumduillah I felt at so much peace with myself. Bowing down my head and praising him as if he was standing right in front of me would  bring  so much serenity to my heart. It was as if a huge weight was lifted off my chest every time I prayed.

Dua was my release.

I let it all out during my Duas and left all my worldly matters up to Allah from then on.

I started to set my alarm for Fajr once again. The first few times it didn’t work, but I didn’t let that stop me from resetting it every night with the sincere intention that I was going to wake up. I would fall asleep telling myself that I was going to wake up for Fajr and soon enough I did, with no effort at all.

I felt stronger.
I prayed for strength and I got it.

After that I came to the realization that there were two main reasons why my life had become so screwed up.

The first reason was because I had lost Taqwa and my Duas weren’t sincere. My Duas weren’t sincere because my prayers weren’t sincere of course. And so instead of turning to Allah to help me with my problems, I would put my trust in my brain alone (Which by the way was an epic fail).

The second reason behind my unhappiness was that I wasn’t giving my parents enough respect. Yeah it is normal for every teenager to go through this feeling of rebellion. But as Muslims we have to keep in mind that Jannah does lie under the feet of our mothers. I found myself talking back a lot and  I would get into big arguments with my mom almost everyday. I think we were both just taking our worldly stress out on each other, but that still gave ME no right talk back to her despite what she said.

When I first heard this ayat in a lecture I had been listening to, it scared me a lot.

If any one of them or both of them reach old age, do not say to them: uff (a word or expression of anger or contempt) and do not scold them, and address them with respectful words. [17:23]

I mean seriously uff? I knew I had been saying so much more than just uff. And that’s when I knew I had to change my attitude immediately. I knew couldn’t please Allah without pleasing my parents first.

There were a certain group of people who influenced me as well. Some of them are friends of mine, some acquaintances, some of them I have never met in my life. Most of them not only go to my masjid but my school as well. But that’s not really how I was inspired by these people. I was inspired by these people through an organization that I pray stays around my hometown for generations to come after me.

I had supposedly joined this organization back while I was still in high school but somehow never made anytime for it. I always ignored all their emails, never bothered to learn anything from their  forums or attend any of their events. With school and friends and everything else that I was involved with, I just never had anytime to care about it.

Soon enough however, homework just became an excuse to go back and visit. Although I never posted much, I often read their discussions or reflections on different topics in Islam. I slowly started to understand the mentality of these kids. These were truly god fearing youth who were striving to be better Muslims in today’s society. My whole life I had grown up watching the few Muslim kids I knew give themselves up to the western culture, not giving a crap about their identities as Muslims. But these were the first youth I had ever seen who’s first priorities in life were not to fit into western society or even to achieve their future career goals. No. Their number one and most important priority in life was to please Allah first and attain the knowledge that would take them to that goal.  Everything else came after that.

You know how they say those kids who have their career goals already in mind are better prepared for their future?

Well these kids are way ahead of them. Their goals for the Akhira are preparing them for the ultimate future.

I  have so much respect for these kids because I am not only  inspired by their attitudes towards this life but also because I feel that I can identify with them, even the ones that I don’t know personally.  As for the ones that I have already befriended, well all I can say is that they are a major blessing in my life. Alhumdulillah.

The best part about all this was that I would always come out learning something. There was a section dedicated to Quran and Sunnah. I found myself going back to the website more than I ever had. I would often come across hadiths or ayats from the Quran that touched me personally when I read through them. And it was from there that my desire to gain more knowledge about my deen was conceived. Even now, I still hope to find barakah in my time and understanding of the ‘Ilm that will guide me to a better life and a better Akhira. InshAllah.

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So that’s my story, for now at least.

All I can say is that it truly feels like I was blinded throughout high school.

Blinded from my faith,  the truth, reality.

The reason I say blinded is because I remember discovering the beauty in my religion for myself when I was still in middle school. It was then that I had started praying five times a day. It was then that I had decided to start wearing hijab.

I don’t think I even understood the logic behind hijab then. It was more of an identity thing to me. But I remember my faith being really strong then. When I felt in my heart for the very first time that Islam must be the truth. It was high school that blinded me for a while. I cant say that it took me away from my deen completely but it did lower my emaan quite a bit.

I’m just glad I can see again.

But why is that during our years as teenagers we feel like we must have the whole world figured out?

As if the answer lies in a particular song or TV show or movie that we love.

To this day I am confounded by this dunya. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why we run after it so much. Actually I do understand why, I just dont understand what makes us do that. All I know is that I was looking for happiness in this dunya, and I was looking in the wrong places.

My whole life I have been searching for the key to happiness in life. In other words I have been searching for the meaning of very own name. How ironic right?

But after having been picked up off the floor by my emaan that day I realized that the happiness I used to feel in high school couldn’t have possibly been true happiness. It might have been excitement and you could possibly call it joy but not happiness itself.

Because those feelings were so temporary.
They were there one minute and gone the next. I figured happiness couldn’t be so shallow or fickle.

And when I starting praying with meaning again, when I started putting my trust in Allah, and trying my best to remember him through both my good and bad times, SubhanAllah that’s when I started to feel real content in my heart.

Because that is the happiness that will  never abandon you.

I guess its ironic that I randomly came across this quote after this particular realization.

“Many people have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.” -Helen Keller.

SubhanAllah Could not have been said any better. And thus my search for happiness had ended.

“Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find peace.” -Quran 13:28

~ by strongfidelity on January 25, 2009.